2015 was rubbish.
There, I said it. I lost my old job (technically 2014, but that all bled into 2015 so I’m having it). When I say “lost” I mean my old position went away and I got given a downgrade. Of course the downgrade and significant reduction in pay for the “new” job was unacceptable, especially as the “new” job was in fact exactly the same as the old.
I was furious.
There are many posts on this blog from late 2014/early 2015 on the subject. I don’t care to reiterate them.
But that fury gave me the needed motivation to get a new job ASAP. I refused to stay in the “old” job any longer than was necessary. It turns out that someone like myself, someone who has worked in Pharmacy in the NHS for 20 years (I started in 1996…so young!) actually has a skill set and body of experience that is in a certain amount of demand.
Consequently I got a new job very quickly, and within a few months of being told I was downgraded I started at my new place of employment, at the pay grade I had lost.
The problem was I let my anger, pride and a certain amount of practical cowardice (I only know pharmacy, I must keep my pay grade) guide me into a fairly terrible error.
The job I accepted was in the role medicines management. What this means to the layman is that, essentially, I (a non doctor) tell the Doctors what medicines you (the patient) are taking. then that doctor will prescribe the medicines pretty much exactly as I say.
Which means that I ( a non Dr) am prescribing you your critical medicines. Now, to be sure, any errors I make will be discovered in time, probably fairly quickly. But if I badly get things wrong the scope for harm is real and scary. The stress is bloody terrible.
The thing is, I knew this role would make me utterly miserable, I had been striving to avoid the same responsibility in my previous role for years. But that anger and pride made me (stupid excuse) accept a job that I knew would make me very unhappy.
Here is the thing, my previous job totally bored me. I had done it for years, I rarely needed to engage my brain and I was fairly worry free much of the time. My mind was allowed to wander (and wonder), I came home feeling happy and would be looking bust out my trusty camera. From my blessed boredom I felt free to be creative, I had (pipe)-dreams.
Conversely my new job is not at all boring, it is terrifying. Quite aside from much much increased travelling times, when I get home now I just feel miserable and wonder if today is the day I killed someone.
Hindsight is 20/20 as they say.
What should I have done with that rage and fury?
I should have directed it into my camera (metaphorically). I should have used it to fuel what I actually wanted to do with my life, or at least gave myself the time to seriously think about the future I wanted.
Sorry, this has been a bit cathartic for me…but no doubt miserable for you.
The obvious question is…2016.
I have not a clue.
I do know I need a new job asap. I simply cannot put myself through this misery for much longer. But that is just a short-term thing. A new job in another hospital may help, but it’s really just kicking the can down the road.
I feel that after 20 years I desperately need out of pharmacy, I want a job that I want.
Now I just need to know what I want.
I quite forgot to mention…the photo is Easky beach in County Sligo, Ireland.
If you read this far…thank you. I apologise for the whining.